I love it when you call me Big Poppa.

http://www.pileofbabies.com

     As I blew out the candles on my 35^th birthday, I wished to live as a man for one day. Why would I do that? Because being a woman is freaking EXHAUSTING. Between work, home, kids, emotional drama and menstruation, I am constantly tired. I wanted to confirm my suspicion that to be a man is to live in a simpler, better world. A world of sex and laughter. A world of punches and beer. A world where the answer to many of my internal struggles would be: “So the fuck what? Get over it.” I needed to see what it was like to live in that world.

     The night that I blew out my candles, I was told in a dream by the wish fulfillment leprechauns (they work in the same department as Santa...don't question me on this) that there were three conditions to using my wish:

1. I could use it anytime before January 1^st, 2013
2. It would not be valid if used in conjunction with other wishes
3. It could not be used in Alaska or Hawaii

     I had been sitting on my birthday wish for months now, waiting for just the right time to use it. So when my husband announced that he would like to take the kids down to his parents' house the next day, I knew the time had come. When I woke up this morning, large and hairy in an empty house, I squealed in delight – only my formerly girlish squeal came out sounding more like a cow having some kind of intestinal distress. But here I was! A man! The world was my oyster!

     Normally, when I have time alone, I spend it sitting in a comfy chair, writing. But today, I can't stop moving. I need to DO something. But what? I stop and lock eyes with myself in the mirror. That's when it comes to me – from somewhere in my testosterone soaked brain, I know what I need to do.

     “I must build something.” I whisper to my reflection. “Something odd and useless and yet...perfect. It will require many hours of work. And I must begin now.”

     I jump in the car and hightail it to Home Depot. On my way there, I decide that I am going to build a wooden R2D2 that moves on tracks and, for no reason whatsoever, has night vision. IT WILL BE MAGNIFICENT.

Image from Wikipedia

     I stride into the Home Depot, all full of confidence and balls. I know what I'm doing here, I think to myself. I am a MAN! I wander up and down the aisles, exchanging curt nods with employees, and giggling at products with names like, “supreme caulk” and “penetrating lubricant”. Finally, I find the lumber section. I stop and close my eyes, breathing in the smell of treated wood. It feels right, being here among all the fencing and plywood. I feel like I have returned to a home I never knew I had. I feel like –

     “Excuse me, sir? Can I help you find something?”

     I open my eyes to find a Home Depot employee standing just beyond arm's reach with a concerned look on his face. I feel myself redden – my manhood has been insulted, and it demands satisfaction.

     “What,” I say, offended. “Do I look like someone who doesn't know what they're doing?!”

     “Sir, you've using that 2x4 as a microphone for the last five minutes.”

     Right. I lay down the 2x4 into which I had been singing U2's “With Or Without You” (like a BOSS, I might add), and pat my hair back into place.

     “Well, I guess someone hasn't seen the episode of Myth Busters where they proved that wood can magnify sound.”

     He looked at me for a minute, and then shrugged.

     “Alright. Just put it back when you're done.”

     And that was it! No psychological warfare, no insults about my weight or clothing, just a shrug. God, men are awesome. I pimp-walked my way out of Home Depot with my manhood secure.

     On the way back to my car, however, I mourned the loss of my R2D2. Perhaps I should buy a 6-pack and an ax and cut down a tree myself! That would be incredibly manly! But then I remember how strict the laws are about trees in Seattle, and that while a male police officer would probably take off his badge and help me chop if he heard I needed the wood to build a night-vision R2D2, a female officer would roll her eyes and fine me. I could not take that chance.

     So, now what do I do? I still have a couple of hours left before my husband returns home with the kids! At that moment, my stomach rumbles. Man, I really need something to – HOLY SHIT. I am a man! I can eat whatever the fuck I want! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I scrambled for my phone. “Siri, where is Dairy Queen?!”

     Half an hour later, I am driving home with a large Snickers Blizzard, singing along to AC/DC on the radio, with the most massive ice cream-induced erection I have ever seen. Good god, this is the life.

Image from SXC

     When I get home, I settle into our most comfortable chair and decide to watch some YouTube videos that Mike has saved on his computer. Videos that he has shown me before, with tears rolling down his cheeks from laughter, while I stood there and uncomfortably tried to force myself to chuckle. But today? Today I learned what funny really is. And it is Daniel Tosh making jokes about a guy who jumped off the roof of his house into a toddler pool. Oh man, that guy looks like he really got hurt! Hilarious!

     That was how I spent the rest of my time as a man. Soon, my family came home and the magic wore off. I said a sad good-bye to The Terminator (that was what I named my penis), and welcomed back Norma Rae (that's the name of my vagina). And I thought about all the things I learned during my short time as a man. I learned that:

• The world needs a wooden R2D2 with night vision. I got the ball rolling, gentlemen. Someone needs to finish this.

• Daniel Tosh is a genius, and nothing is funnier than when someone is risking their life to achieve something that has no meaning...like skateboarding on top of a car. Why do they do this? BECAUSE WHY NOT.

• Boxer shorts are the worst. It's like wearing a large t-shirt under a small sweater.

     In short, my day as a man was almost perfect. If only I had been able to make my R2D2. And punch a guy. NO – build my R2D2 and have HIM punch a guy.

     Men are the best.

From the Judges:

There are some laugh-out-loud moments in this post. You call your vagina "Norma Rae," for example. I'm still giggling at that. And your "not valid in Alaska or Hawaii" reference is borderline genius. But for me, this post fell short overall, if I'm being honest. It was choppy, disjointed, and a little trite. There was no jackpot at the end for me. And you went from one thing to the next without - to me - a logical transition. (I know. I know. It's your day in the life of a MAN and I'm saying LOGICAL.) One last tip: You can't assume everyone who is reading will get your references. R2D2? Everyone knows him. But I have no idea who Daniel Tosh is. You lost me there. (Maybe that says more about me than you.) I was looking for a link so I could understand what you were saying, and there was none. Just a quick link or picture will help you appeal to ALL of your readers. You are a very funny writer. I think you just lost a little focus here. There's a great post in here waiting to come out.

-Daddy Knows Less

I definitely like the humorous take that you've given to this assignment. It's funny, but without being over-the-top ridiculous. And while I do understand the R2D2 reference, I also had no clue about that other guy that you mentioned - but I'm assuming that he's some dude who makes dumb videos.
I thought that it started out great, but then I got the impression that you got interrupted and had to just slap an ending on it. Take your time with your writing - I really enjoy it. Good job!

-Non-Stop Mom

Great writing voice and natural humor. I thought your cadence was fine and if you had kept the high energy all of the the time - it would have seemed forced. The conditions were brilliant as were Norma Rae and The Terminator. I totally know who Tosh.0 is - and he is a man day must have - so I gave you extra credit for that! My favorite is, " ... NO – build my R2D2 and have HIM punch a guy." A dude would definately want R2D2 to do the hitting! The paragraph structure needs tightening, the ending needs some TLC and I think you have the raw talent that would have allowed for a different entry than physically turning into a guy. Overall, though, I thought you did a fanatastic job.

-Honey Badger Press

I liked your approach and thought you were really funny, but I agree with the other judges, it seemed to skip around a bit. I think the flow could have been better, but overall, it was a good post.

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

I just love your writing. You are funny and random without even trying, and I love that. I agree that your voice is amazing. You really seem to put a very unique and personal spin on everything.
I totally disagree with the others about the flow of the post. It made perfect sense to me, and the flow was great.
I have nothing negative to say about this post. Perfect!

- Pinwheels and Poppies

Who the F doesn't know Daniel Tosh? Man card punch for DKL. But I do have to agree that the post was a little disjointed, not really flowing from one experience to the next. The puns and humor were great, but the storytelling needed a little work.

-Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness