A Truly Nuclear Family

www.dadandburied.com

For a normal dad, getting up at the crack of dawn and changing, feeding, entertaining and simply keeping pace with a toddler is not easy. 

But I'm no normal dad.

I am The Double Fister, so named for my superhuman ability to multitask. I can hold and drink two beers without spilling a drop while wrangling my child, giving my wife a back massage and checking my fantasy football score. AT THE SAME TIME. I could just go by The Multitasker but a) it's really lame and b) pretty much describes every single parent. So instead I am The Double Fis--(What's that you say? "The Double Fister" sounds perverted? Fine. I said fine, honey! I'll go with the Multitasker. Sigh.) I can also read minds, which sounds cool, but when you're a stay-at-home dad it's pretty meaningless. The minds I'm reading are those of a woman who changes her thoughts with no discernible pattern and a toddler who mostly thinks about cookies, Eeyore, and running. Neither of them know what they're going to do until after they've done it, so being able to read their minds doesn't really help me much.

Anyway, good morning. As I said, it's scarcely ten AM and I am already exhausted. Even The Double Fister The Multitasker is drained by non-stop dance parties, especially when there's no one else around to pick up the slack. Mommy heads to work right in the middle of the 8000th replay of "Call Me Maybe," leaving me all alone with a hyper two year old. Yes, my wife is also a superhero, but her superpowers do not include being in two places at once. They do include super-strength, otherworldly patience and a magical wardrobe that changes to fit any occasion. Just last weekend she went from a business suit to an authentic German dirndl without even breaking stride. She is Lady Marmalade!

Her powers so completely dwarf mine that I was forced to give her a humiliating name. I can multitask, which is totally helpful, sure, but she is super-strong and - I forgot to mention - can have multiple orgasms (which may or may not be related to the radiation)! It's no contest, right? But I found the vat of radioactive goo that gave us our powers, I forced her to eat it while she was pregnant and I dodged a bullet when she gave birth to a super-child and not some Chernobyl-ish horse-baby, so I won naming rights. Lady Marmalade it is.

Of course the sad reality is that neither of us wins much of anything in our house. We are powerless against the local supervillain: The Amazing Timesuck. Known to enemies and admirers alike by such aliases as Mister Refusal, the Exasperating Tantrum and Sleep-No-More, our two-year-old son has been manipulating us since the day he was born. His powers are vast but none is more debilitating than his ability to control our actions and evoke our devotion. Through the use of an ingenious brainwashing serum he deploys via the never-ending expulsion of a cornucopia of bodily liquids, he inspires what many poets refer to as "unconditional love" but what Lady Marmalade and I usually call "fuck this shit." We are endlessly frazzled. It is our kryptonite, and resistance is futile. 

Which is why, when he finally gets up from his nap, I will be forced to take him to the playground and watch him mock the other children by drinking juice without spilling a single drop (he gets that from me), eating from his bottomless snack cup (the Goldfish just never run out!), and propelling himself higher than even the long-haired teenage dirtbags who commandeer the swingset. Then, when we finally get back home, after he has tricked me into buying him ice cream, more crayons (his other superpower is losing crayons), and maybe even a freaking ukulele (just because he can), it is time for dance party #2 and a few games of "guess what I want, no that's not it, no that's not it either, now I'm screaming!"

The only thing able to pacify The Amazing Timesuck is Lady Marmalade herself. Her arrival is greeted with much rejoicing and great fanfare (literally - one of her powers is having trumpets accompany her entrances). The Amazing Timesuck is quickly fed - he is able to morph all dinners into chicken nuggets and sweet potato fries - and soothed to sleep while I, The Double Fister The Multitasker, am finally freed from the mental and physical clutches of my all-powerful son, only to be thrust into the mental - and hopefully physical! - clutches of my almost-as-powerful wife. 

But at least by then I am able to have my two beers. AT THE SAME TIME.

 

 

From the Judges

As I was reading the first paragraph, I was smiling. The whole Double Fister being perverted thing was hilarious. When you changed it to The Multitasker, it kind of gave a vibe what you were trying to 'keep things clean', so when you mentioned the multiple orgasm thing, it felt totally out of place. And considering the fact that the rest of the post felt so realistic, it was almost a TMI moment (and by no means am I prude). That aside, the rest of the post was great, and I loved how you threw in there HOW you turned in to super heroes. It made the post feel a little more complete.
-Tessa Taboo 

I thought the post was great. The "fuck this shit" made me lol...literally. Again, I have to say though that your power seemed a little tame (not the name), but your kid's power was great. Good work.
 -SooperDad Blog of Awesome 

Wow...I'm really starting to feel like the black sheep of judges this week. I didn't love this post. I thought it was good, but not great. There were some funny parts, but it just didn't have the depth that some of the others did.

It was entertaining, and I enjoyed reading it...but I wanted something more somehow.
 -The Spaghetti Westerner

Sweet Jesus, THANK YOU! This is what I wanted to see! Great, terrific, awesome. The amazing time suck! Love it! great job!
-Mommy in Law 

What this post lacked in depth, it made up for in humor. "... it is time for dance party #2 and a few games of 'guess what I want, no that's not it, no that's not it either, now I'm screaming!'" Ha! You also worked in a little back story. I think what I appreciate the most about this post is the "voice." You have a nice storytelling style that's laid back and easy to read. Paragraphs are broken up well, and there's a good flow to your writing. Nice work.
 -From the Bungalow 

This was great! I enjoyed the humor, the writing, and the creativity. I would agree with Tessa in that the multiple orgasm part could have been omitted just based on the fact that some may find it offensive (not myself), but you had me from the beginning. Loved it!
-You Know It Happens At Your House Too (Guest Judge)